Warning A Triggering Letter: Men can say No too

If you relate to this, the odds are you’re not the same anymore. Good for you young man. 

I thought I could do it one more time. I thought I could have her one more time. I thought I could have one last fling. One last night. One last situation. One last partner I could have fun with, but I can’t. I thought I could ignore the signs, red flags, and ringing alarms in my heart for the sake of alil fun, but I can’t. The presence of other men in your life is too much for me. The knowing of their being other people making you smile or taking space in your life haunts me every time I try to enjoy a thought of you. I’m not built the same anymore. I’ve become the man I used to think was weak or pussy. I’ve become the man whose heart gets in the way of his head. I can no longer logically justify myself out of feeling my feelings. Honestly, I don’t want to. I’m not too quick to trust anymore, and that’s because I’ve been hurt and those scars aren’t as healed as I thought they were. The way you move is too similar to the women that taught me some of the ugliest lessons in my life. I can’t willingly walk into that again. I thought if we were honest with each other, it was enough for me to enjoy and protect myself in the process, but I couldn’t. 

I don’t mean to be confusing because I know what I asked for, but I found myself saying things like, I don’t care what you do, just be honest with me, lie to everyone else but be honest with me. I’ll ignore the red flags and my own fears to make this work, but I was compromising myself, and I love myself too much to do that. You’re a beautiful and amazing woman, but I can’t handle fun anymore if it feels like this. I feel too much for this. I can’t stay up in the middle of the night thinking about you anymore. I can’t let the haunts of you under someone else interrupt my day. I have too much to do, and this pain paralyzes me. I’m sick of sharing myself with too many people and sharing the one I want with too many people. Respectfully.

I left this life alone long ago, so I got to guard my heart. You mean too much to me, but not that much. I thought I could, but I couldn’t. I got God in me; I’m too valuable for that. Now I know me, so I might hit you up randomly or want to see you but ignore that that’s not me; that’s the old me, and I’m still learning to control him.