Why does it seem like Niggas ruin relationships before it even starts?

My goal is express what most people are uncomfortable with sharing to help bring understanding so people can feel like they aren’t alone. 

Also to show that you don’t have to be perfect to have a relationship with God.

I’m not trying to fu*k up a good thing but honestly I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if I can be who you think I can be or who you see me as. I am not this whole, confident and put-together individual with a few bad traits. I’m a whole man with a broken heart and missing pieces. I’m afraid to let you completely in...to show you the cracks in my soul. I’m afraid that once you see my faults, that’s all you ever see when you look at me. I honestly feel like I’m too far broken for you. 

I feel like loving you is a game with a lose-lose outcome. I’ll either see all of you and see that you are better than anything or anyone I’ve ever encountered then lose you. Or I’ll do everything right and find out that I am pursuing a love that isn’t as fulfilling as I expected. I feel like if you see me, like truly see me, you’ll run because it’s not what you signed up for. Maybe you should go after someone else...someone who’s more regular and put together...because honestly, what you do see in me may not even really be me. I feel as if I have nothing. I’m too weak to carry you, too ignorant to guide you and too empty to fill you. I don’t know how much longer I can put on this facade. Has it ever crossed your mind that I might not be worthy of the love you can potentially give? 

Sometimes as men we are scared. We don’t know how to voice our uncertainties so instead we say things like “this ain’t what you want” or “I’m fighting demons'' as a scapegoat to the true issues. I’m not saying this is right but some of us ruin it intentionally. Not because we want to be lifelong hoes or irresponsible but because it’s easier than just telling you that we don’t feel worthy; or that we don’t actually know how to navigate a relationship while simultaneously feeling unloved ourselves; or too scared to tell you that a lot of us have never seen healthy relationships to know that sometimes it’s ok for us to break down and be vulnerable in front of someone that loves you. So therefore, we prematurely make the decision for her to end any potential future that would allow her to help ease our uncertainties and walk with us. 

We don’t know of a love that covers a multitude of sins. We can’t fathom a love that is unconditional and forgiving. A love that acknowledges our pain and scars but still sees us as worthy. This is why I think it’s so important for us to actually get to know God. Over time, you can continuously experience a love where even at our ugliest and darkest, we are loved. Even with the knowledge of our terrible decisions we are still accepted. So that even with our pain, we know that we are loved and therefore make decisions that lead to more love and relationships as opposed to decisions that lead to less love and isolation. So men be patient with yourselves. You can only do what you know, don't beat yourself up over the past instead be aware and make a change step by step.