I regret not choosing Her

God, I am watching everyone move forward except me. I’m watching my brothers get married, I’m watching my friends build families, I’m watching my flings settle down and the ones I loved get loved by someone else or just vanish.  What do I do with this? How do I not let this feeling push me into something I’ll regret? How do I not regret the decisions I made already? Is this the price that I pay for doing what I thought was best? Is this the price that I pay for thinking I was doing what’s best for her by not going deeper with her because I knew I wasn’t in a place to love her the way she deserved? What’s the prize for not being selfish? I thought if you care for someone you do what’s best for them even if it hurts you? Honestly, that’s bullshxt, I'm living in this prison of pain that’s been built on a hope that you would’ve blessed me with an incredible wife that’s for me, which I’m starting not to believe anymore.

I don’t even know who to go to with this, because the ones I would go to are the ones that are adding to my pain. My mentors, team, and confidants are all in love and happy. They aren’t in the space that I’m in. They don’t have to sit with this weight; they made it out. And the one who was in my heart isn’t here anymore. Did I mismanage my opportunities? Did I gamble them away chasing a dream? Did I blind myself to love by the intoxication of lust? How do I force myself to grow faster? God, what do I do now? If being ambitious and putting the vision first gets me this then you can have it. If being handsome and thinking I’ll always have options got me here then you can have that. Give me a comfortable career path and below-average looks so then maybe I’d be smart enough to hold on to the love that came my way and cherish it for the unique beauty that she was instead of gambling it on ideas, hope, and pursuits.

I don’t think I’m gonna get the answer I’m looking for any time soon or relief from being in this space anytime soon, so I’m just gonna trust you. Trust that you got me, trust that I’m just going through the emotion of it all and that what’s for me is for me. I’m gonna trust you when you said “Man rolls the dice but I choose the outcome” meaning that whatever I do you’re still the one guiding the outcome in my favor. Understanding that this is the process to that promise of true love at the perfect time.

Maybe that time may be closer than I realize. The fact that I feel this sadness and regret is evidence of the thing in question. Which is, am I growing up? Am I ready for relationship? Growth for me is feeling and sitting with how I feel and comforting myself. That’s real love and care, if I can do it for me then I can do it for whoever else I commit to.