Yea I know Jesus, but a Nigga strugglin
It Gets Dark sometimes Pt 1
A prayer:
They said I will be a light to his people…... but what happens when the little light you had, Goes out?
Yo God I’m not doing too well. I knew my days would up or down but I can’t seem to run from this feeling. I tried hiding in brunches, I tried hiding in my pursuits, I tried hiding in kick backs wit my dawgs but I knew reality was waiting for me when all that was over. I’m supposed to be happy now. I’m not hunching all the time anymore (for now), I’m not numbing myself in alcohol anymore, I’m not keeping my emotions in anymore, I’m praying often, I'm reading my bible, I’m even reaching my goals. I’m supposed to be happy now. Technically I’m fixed now, right? Sooooo why aren’t I happy? What happens when you receive what you hoped for and it’s not what you thought. What happens when you reach your goals and it’s unfulfilling. What happens when the things you would preach to people to keep them motivated doesn’t feel like what you promised. I don’t even feel you near me anymore. What do I do? I'm this grey space of unfulfillment. What do I do? I went from pursuing sex and women to pursuing businesses and faith. I gained momentum and accomplishment in both now what? Both of them aren’t enough to keep me alive inside. I went from chasing one rabbit to the next. I caught them both and both of them aren’t what they promised. My life is full but unfulfilling.
My decisions at this point are risky. I wish I was more stable. I wish I had a clear plan. Father, I chased this vision and I thought it was what you told me to do. Now that I look back at my life, I don’t know if I heard you correctly. I sometimes feel like I took your word to literally and in other scenarios not literal enough (Which is probably why I feel so phony sometimes). God I don’t have much hope in anything now. I want to cry so bad. I can’t even imagine a life with me waking up and feeling happy because I’m so deep in this feeling of hopelessness. Maybe if I had more money but even then I think I would be tempted to fuxk it up somehow by wasting it with women or trying to stunt.
Drinking is unattractive because of the hangover. Sex is unattractive because the empty guilty feeling afterwards. Going out is unattractive at this point because I have to see people (Honestly I still might just do one of these things or all of them because I be trippin and the day ain’t over yet). Home is unattractive because it’s nonexistent. Death is unattractive because if I do that there’s hell waiting for me. Church is unattractive because I don’t want someone trying to solve my problem with a verse and fake empathy. No offense God but a lot of them are weird. All of this is stupid, but I got to go now because I have to pick up my son and be emotionally available for him then go lead our bible study and tell people that you’re faithful…..because you are, at least that’s what they say?
Stay tuned for part 2…