You might’ve lost her….. maybe

Winter a few years ago...

I’m afraid that l met her and I might’ve missed her. Or she is in front of me and I can’t see her. The thing that’s hindering my vision is the fact that I’ve never exercised my ability to look with the future in mind. Instead, I only exercised my ability to be able to find someone I can smash a few times and disappear. So therefore I can find someone that can satisfy me in seconds but can I trust myself to find someone who can and will love me the way I need to be loved? Can I trust myself in finding someone who will nurture and water my purpose? Can I trust that I can find someone who will be a great mother to my future family, can I trust myself to find someone who’ll understand my frustrations and speak to my soul in a tone that’s receptive? What if I met her already and dismissed her because I was too intoxicated by my want for lust? What if she already poured her heart out to me but I ignored it because she didn’t meet the unattainable standards I have in my head? What if I met her already and damaged her so deeply that when I did begin to try to pursue a future with her it became too late and she was no longer the woman that I first met. Can I trust myself to choose correctly? Did I even invest in the right things that would attract a woman that’s good for my heart, soul, and spirit or did I invest in the things that would only attract a woman to my body, presentation, and penis? I, unfortunately, didn’t exercise my vision and now I’m paying for it with a deep insecurity. I didn’t exercise my vision to see what’s really important and now I’m scared. So therefore I can not trust my vision. I can’t trust my eyes because they’re weak. So now I need assistance. I need something to correct my lens. But what does that look like? How do I keep myself from making the same mistakes over and over again? What would begin to help me see and choose correctly?

It starts by acknowledging I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AND I NEED HELP. Next, reach out to someone that is where you want to be. I’m going to look to men who have healthy relationships and submit to their advice, let their experiences and words guide me. Next, continuously trust and get to know God. I'm learning that being in a relationship with him will speak to and heal me in places that no one else can touch. Yes, it’s a process, it’s not a quick fix, you will have ups and downs, while also feeling like you’re not progressing but keep turning back to God, and before you know it the fruit of a relationship with him will slowly begin to show. That fruit is you making more good choices and less bad ones. As well as the comfort of knowing that no matter what happens he still loves you. Lastly, forgive yourself. Let go of your past, let go of your mistakes, and what could’ve and what should’ve. Most of the time you attract who you are so if the past didn’t work out you probably dodged a bullet (They were probably just as or more crazy/toxic than you anyway). Everything always works out for your benefit when it is given to God. There’s always more out there for you. What God has for you is for you. So rest in the space of understanding. Understand that the past is the past. You’re not some supervillain or monster nor were the individuals you engaged with before. We all were just doing the best that we could do for where we were and that’s ok. Forgive yourself and enjoy the idea of healthiness and freedom because you can and will have it. Your best was never in one person; it's always in God. Keep moving forward.