Struggling Believer

Journal Entry #247

August 2016 4:18am

Why do I keep falling? Every time I say I’m done….I’m not. I’m so sick of myself, right when I think I finally made progress I mess up. Not only do I mess up I actually planned to mess up. Can you still use me? Can you change my heart? it can be so dark sometimes,  I’m probably never gonna be like those dudes that deserve the blessing of having a relationship, or real money or any form of success at this point. Can you give me a new hope? How do you expect me to go to church or ask you to forgive me when I know damn well I’m probably gonna fuxk up again. I have been praying forever at this point and I keep making the same mistakes. I feel like a phony. I keep giving up or letting myself get side tracked. Now it’s like my whole world is falling apart and I keep having thoughts of me being a loser, and now I have to start all over again. Am I being punished for all the crap I’ve done? Damn, I feel so down and disconnected sometimes, I want you to stand with me I don’t need punishment or confusion. I need you to love me and hold me. I need more attention and love. I need encouragement and security from you. Please, I don’t care about anything else at this moment but you, I don’t like letting you down…..God, are you listening?

I am always listening, I love you. I love when you run to me especially when you’re messy, only I can clean you up. How can the creation let down the creator when I already know all your wins and falls? You are doing the best you can, which is why I am here, I knew what I was getting when I made you and I still choose you. Don’t give up on yourself when I haven’t given up on you. You’re not being punished or I didn’t forget you.

Choose to get up, choose to love me and keep going. I never told you this would be easy, you have to fight yourself which is hard because you know all your moves that’s why you have to keep me involved. Keep focusing on my words. Don’t listen to what you say to yourself about yourself, your enemy will lie to you in your own voice. Instead, believe me when I say you’re royalty, you’re a winner, you can persevere and endure. I knew you would mess up so forgive yourself and just get up. I don’t love you any less because you’re on the floor and I don’t love you anymore when you’re at your highest. I love you to death and more. So much so that when you choose to hurt me, I will still protect you. When you choose to hurt yourself I will still forgive you. I have done so much for you already and I will continue to do more, don’t love your mess-ups so much that you give keep giving it more of your future, time and energy. Drop it, let it go, leave it with me and choose to be the you I know you will become. Strength isn’t winning without pain and struggles it’s just never giving up. Struggling doesn’t mean that you’re losing, it means you’re fighting back.

This response isn’t unique to just me. This is how God feels about all of us. As believers we tend to have this idea that we are suppose to have everything figured out and our issues we spent a lifetime creating to be gone overnight when that isn’t the case. Even the apostle Paul one of the most impactful men to walk the earth struggled with things til his death why do we expect that we won’t? I believe that God allows us to struggle on purpose and even lets us fall so he can continue to demonstrate his love when we feel like we are at our worse.

When you feel down run to God, get his word inside, run to his people for help.

What we do when we do drop the ball is key. When a baby is learning to walk the parent does not reject them for falling, they love on the child and encourage them.

Love is an action. It is what you do, focus on, serve and a choice.

It's our choice, to either love God or our mess-ups.

Run to him he’s waiting.