Suicide

I know this might make a bunch of people uncomfortable and this is something that nobody likes to actually talk but we should because sometimes the people closest to us are suffering and we won’t even know. Especially us men who are prone to isolating themselves.

She asked me how are you?.... I looked at her as we sat in the darkness of my car and the only light came we’re from the controls of my radio. I told her…Before I used to think suicide was weak. I thought that it ain’t never that serious. I would never entertain the idea of giving up. I used to think I couldn’t really respect anyone who did it or even thought about it. Until recently, I felt like I’ve been in a reoccurring season of pain, let down and hopelessness. I’ve found myself speaking to God differently, the saying is this real life? How did I screw up my life this much? Will the pain ever stop? Can you give me a break? Or you’ve taken this too far. No one told me that living can hurt this much. Sometimes I didn’t know which was better going to sleep to not deal with my emotions or staying awake to not face another day of living in this mess. The silent thoughts would creep up over and over again telling you to give up, let it go, you’re not going to make it, you messed your life up........there is no hope for you.

I gotta whole new respect for anyone who has attempted or even thought about ending it all. It’s not something we talk about let alone admit that the thought has come to mind. I know for me thought slid by more than I’d like to admit. I have to applaud anyone who has fought that fight or is fighting that fight. Can you imagine feeling so hopeless and feeling that there is no way life can be better than the pain that you’re going through, feeling like the best parts of your life is over, feeling like nobody REALLY cares about you, being so disappointed with life because it’s not going how you thought it would, things being so dark to the point you’re not being able to see any way out other than not living anymore? Being so confused with life to the point you’re just like f**k it, feeling so unworthy to the point you think you’ll never become anything and it’s too late for you? A soul level heartbreak so deep where it challenges the idea of waking up in the morning. That’s not an easy thing to handle or even overcome and my heart goes out to you. 

Don’t feel ashamed if you even had the thought, plan or attempt. Everyone's initial reaction to pain, confusion or being let down is to quit. Even Jesus himself got tempted with the idea of suicide. What makes you think you’re so unique that that has only happened to you? The devil lies to everyone in their own voice….You have to understand those thoughts, are not you.

We are all just going about life the best way we can and know how to. I can’t speak for anyone else but for me. What helps me when I am feeling, depressed, hopeless or dark are 3 things. Love, Words, and People. Those 3 things can help with anything that is in the realm of self-destruction (like hunching a bunch of people, drugs, alcohol abuse, etc). Whenever life feels too heavy I think about the love I have for my family, my son or my dawgs (the homies). It’s selfish of me to bring intentional harm to myself when I know my life isn’t just my own. Also that there is a real God that LOVES me, that will and HAS helped me especially when I pursue him. SIMPLE. Next, I check the words I’m saying to myself and replace them with more affirmative thoughts. I go to my bible, I search for anything that speaks life into my future and not the death that occurred in my past. Jesus when he got offered the idea of jumping off the deep end fought back with his words and he took the focus off of him and put it on something greater. You have control of your thoughts. Lastly, I get others involved, I express to my community (the go-to people that I trust and are wise) about how I am feeling and what I am going through even though they can’t change it but knowing someone is there and willing to walk through it with you makes a world of a difference. As men, we have to start being ok with opening up and stop being so selfish to think we’re alone and no one who’ll understand. The breeding ground for suicide is isolation….getting someone involved with your thoughts

Life has a way of bringing you pain you never even imagined existed. Life doesn’t fight fair, and neither should we, get God involved, get others involved, get other words in your head, be active in choosing your thoughts and tag people in. Asking for help doesn’t make you weak instead it shows you’re human and how strong your will to keep going is. The goal of this post for you to simply understand that you’re not alone, others feel this too. Also, there is hope.