Deep Thot
Journal Entry #97: 2:32 pm
When will I finally make it? When will God finally answer my prayers? When will I not be in pain anymore? When will I actually change? When will I ever get help? Where can I cry? When can I stop crying? When can I finally feel something good, long enough to make all this worth it? When will I ever get a break? How come everyone I see around me seems to be so happy, put together and motivated? Will my mind ever rest? Am I the only one who's tired? Am I the only one that doesn’t know which is worse waking up or going to sleep? Am I the only one whose scared? Can I ever stop pretending like I have it all together? Did I meet her already but ruined it? Will my heart ever be fully healed? Will I ever meet a woman who can see me for me in all my brokenness and not run away? Dawg can I fully get vulnerable and naked with anybody? Will I ever not be so damn lonely?
Then she looked at me confused and said: “Are you ok? You look like you’re in deep thought”, and I replied to her: “Huh?, yea I’m good my bad…..let’s go to your room. I’ll bring the bottle”.
Some signs of silent suffering
Excessive drinking
When he always comes off angry
Always in deep thought but never speaks
He isolates himself
Promiscuous
Smokes a lot of weed
It's always deeper than the vice itself, especially with men. We just sometimes have a hard time being able to articulate why we're doing it. Imagine being sick & wounded, then finally finding something that makes you feel better for a little while and then getting persecuted for that very same thing that feels like the only thing in the world to actually give you some sort of relief, comfort, and escape. Then when you are asked why do you think you need it anyway, you’re not able to express a solid and full answer because you‘re not in a place to fully express that it’s the only way you know how to get through the pain.
This is why I will forever emphasize how important it is to allow yourself to be comfortable enough to give your frustrations, hurt, disappointments and heart to God period. No matter how ratchet or dark they are because you can’t heal what you refuse to reveal. I can personally tell you from one seriously imperfect person to the next when you get God involved (and his people) things get better. It’s not overnight and it is an ongoing PROCESS, but it’s worth it G trust me.
Let's stop persecuting each other for the ways we cope with pain and start talking to each other with the intent to understand. So maybe then you can actually be in a position to help. You can’t speak to who you don’t understand.
Check on each other, some of us are killing ourselves in silence.