You ugly Zoe, just be a Hoe
“You’re so ugly, ashy, and your lips are too big.” Those are some of the harshest words an 8 year old can hear. Especially coming from his own thoughts. Growing up I thought I was super ugly. I remember gazing in the mirror at times saying to myself “Yo Zoe, you led kidd” (led means ugly in creole). What’s crazy is that it’s not like I have a bunch of scenarios or traumatic experiences that might’ve birthed these thoughts. Granted growing up in a Caribbean household, living in South Florida, being the youngest of 4 and growing up playing in the streets didn’t help (Not to mention that this was the era where everybody was calling each other African booty scratchers…..smh lol) but I honestly don’t think I was made fun more than most. I just thought I was dumb ugly. I remember it being so bad that as a shorty I would watch this show called “Extreme Makeover” and wish I could be on the show so they can rearrange my identity so I can look “handsome”. Then I told myself one day I’m going to look good and get all the girls then they’ll like me. Funny thing is that now that I think about it, some girls did like me and I even had girlfriends growing up but I was too blinded by the lies I would repeat to myself to see it. My reality was distorted because of what I chose to focus on. Time passed and nothing changed. While all my dawgs started going through puberty Reggie was still 5’4 at 15 yrs old and graduated high school just a few inches taller and 128 lbs. The one thing that really changed was I started wearing lotion and bought decent clothes from the clearance rack at Old Navy…..(thought the drip was crazy back then too smh lol).
Then the summer of 2009 happened. Out of nowhere I grew to 6 feet, cheekbones and gained 45 lbs of muscle (not to mention I developed a bunch of personality to distract people from how insecure & inadequate I thought I was)…..I went from being noticed by girls every once in a blue moon to pretty much all the time, wherever I went. The thing about women is that they’re not stupid and when they want something they make it happen and I sure WASN’T runnin from them, according to myself I had to catch up.
Every time I laid with one it validated me, it made me think I wasn’t ugly or rejected and I NEEDED more of that. I needed to prove to that little boy in the mirror that wanted plastic surgery that “we made it”, I needed that little boy to feel accepted, to feel happy, to feel beautiful ...I needed him not to hurt anymore. My pain was the driving force that was pushing me to abuse the ones I am suppose to protect, love and uplift. Instead of me being an ambulance that is called to help lead our women to greatness, I was a bulldozer on a demolition mission smashing everything in my path. Understand when a man is out here causing wreck to every woman he touches it’s deeper than just him being a “fuxkboy” or a “dog”. Odds are he’s hurting, broken and probably doesn’t even really understand himself. We all are, and until we approach each other’s brokenness with understanding and love, like we would to someone who has a broken leg that they’ve been walking on for years untreated, then not only will there be no healing but the patient will reject the help in totality.
If you’re a man or human and you’re reading this and you can identify with it I really want you to understand that there is another way to live and you don’t have to be stuck in this hellish and self-destructive path. I wish I had the exact antidote which will make you perfect and change your ways immediately but I don’t have that. What I can do is tell you the things that have helped my life personally and jump-started not only my healing but to move in a more progressive and healthy manner that is changing my life in ways I couldn't even imagine. That thing is God, and being intentionally on wanting to know who he is through Jesus. The more I got to know God (and I still am) the more I started to not do the same things anymore. The more I cried out to him, the more I spoke to him, the more I gave him my pain was the more healing I got in return. The more whole I become as a person. It was not overnight and it’s still a process I walk out every day but it is working. Go to God with your brokenness and do things his way…...and enjoy the benefits of having a relationship with him. Your life doesn’t have to be that dark, there’s hope.